When it comes to running the decisions in your house, are
you in control or are your kids?
Now in
its literal sense, the kids are not actually running the household.
What I am talking about here is: do you set
the rules, enforce them and stay consistent, or does your child have influence
on that consistency?
I’ve seen many
times over my 25+ years of teaching, where the kids are able to dictate
behavior standards and habits in front of the parents with no correction.
So how does this happen?
Let’s look at an example. Little Mary, who is 4 years old, wants Karate
lessons. Mom & dad agree and get her
signed up. After a few weeks of training,
Mary tells her dad, that she doesn’t want to come to Karate anymore. So dad tells the instructor that little Mary
is quitting. The instructor asks: “is
she not having fun?” The dad says: “yes she
is.” The instructor asks: “is she not learning
the skills, behaviors and habit that will help her in life?” The dad says: “yes she is.” The instructor asks: “is there any other
reason why she does not want to come anymore?”
The dad: “says just doesn’t want to do it anymore and we don’t force her
to do things she doesn’t want to do.” Do
you see the problem here?
In the above scenario, which unfortunately happens regularly,
especially in ages 3 to 8, it is the child who is running the household
decision making process. Let me repeat
that: IT IS THE CHILD WHO IS RUNNING THE HOUSEHOLD DECISION MAKING PROCESS! You might be asking, what’s wrong with
that? Here is the problem, they are a
child and regardless of how gifted, special, intelligent, wonderful and loving
a child they may be, they have neither the social nor the mental experience to
make such a decision, not yet. But one
could argue that a child, regardless of age, should be able to express their
opinion on what they are doing. True,
but keep in mind, their opinion is fleeting at best and this is called sharing,
not decision making. They experience
moments that may or may not be interrelated: “Sensei, what are you doing here;
I like ice cream; there is a fly in here.” The adult mind experiences moments based on
the totality of the situation and our strategy in decision making comes from
our ability to interrelate this decision with possible outcomes both positive
and negative. Yet how many parents try
to have intelligent conversations with their little ones that involve the
psychological reasoning levels that we use with other adults? More than you would think: “now Mary, hitting
our guests and screaming like that is considered rude and you really should try
to not be that way. If you will act
correctly then we can progress with our evening and our guest won’t be
uncomfortable. Do you feel like you can
do that?” If you really think your
little one is going to understand what you said, reason with it and come to a
socially acceptable conclusion, then you are missing the point. Their minds work on association, not
cognitive reasoning at an adult level. Their
association with bad behavior should be a bad outcome, spanking, grounding, removal
of privileges, whatever tool is effective.
And keep in mind that without consistency, the association means nothing
and is as fleeting as their opinion on the behavior: “now Mary, if you do that
one more time, I really am going to ground you and this time I really mean it!” In Mary’s mind, you didn’t follow through the
other 3 or 4 times you said it, so there is nothing that would make her think
you would follow through with your association this time.
Getting back to our little Mary quitting scenario, what
did the dad do by allowing her to quit just because she wanted to? He began or is continuing a pattern for her
during her most impressionable years.
When you teach a child that quitting is ok, then they will learn that as
a skill. This will translate into a habit
through continued experience: dad, I want to quit eating good food; I want to
quit cleaning my room, brushing my teeth, behaving, going to school, finishing
school, going to college, showing up for work, partying, etc. At age 4, little Mary is learning that she
has control over when she can quit something.
Mary has a bad day - she’ll quit.
Mary is cranky - she’ll quit.
Mary is moody – she’ll quit.
Anytime Mary experiences anything that she just doesn’t feel like doing
or completing, she can quit, her dad said so and proved it to her from an early
age.
In the martial arts, we teach the kids to persevere,
achieve an indomitable spirit, to overcome challenges, to learn and utilize
self-discipline. We have an initial 6
month program to teach them to start and finish a goal, not to insure a term financial
payment. We have short term goals:
stripes and belts to help them learn this behavior in stages. We have long term goals: Black Belt and
living a life by the code of Black Belt excellence to help them learn that this
behavior is a lifestyle choice not a recreational activity. If your kids want recreation, take them to
the public pool for a day or to a painting class or whatever. If you want your kids to learn the Life-Skills
that will become positive habits for the success of their future, then realize that
positive habits, as well as negative habits are, formed through continuous
practice. The saying I use with all of
my students is: “under stress you
will react the way you have trained!”
Although this comes from my military and law enforcement days, the
principle applies to anything in life.
So in the future, as a parent, when your little one wants
to quit something, set a realistic time requirement and make them stick to
it. Even if they don’t want to get on
the mat, you make them come to class and sit there and watch. When they see the other kids having fun, they
will want to join in and you have just made them learn that quitting is not an
option in your household; that you make the rules, enforce the rules and stay
consistent in your expectation of the rules being followed. This will lead your child to great
possibilities in their decision making process as a teen and as an adult. Always remember, to have positive habits
associated with Black Belt excellence, it is a learned behavior that doesn’t happen
overnight and a Black Belt is just a White Belt who never quit. So, who runs the decision process in your
household, you or your kids?
